I showed him my bush... on skype.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
