Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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