I think I died a long time ago.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
