I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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