Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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