My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
