2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
