I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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