life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize