you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
