Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
