Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
