The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
