Screwed.edu
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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