Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
