I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
