if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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