get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
