I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
