Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
