never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
