Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
