I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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