I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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