Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
