I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
