Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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