didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
