I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
