did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
