Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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