you traded sex for a burrito?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
