My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
