ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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