When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
