Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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