Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
