but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
