I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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