i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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