We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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