If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
