hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
