I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize