who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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