The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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