im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Is it penis luge time yet?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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