Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize