Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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