I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
