Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
