I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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