I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
