Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She needs sedatives and a leash
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
