I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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