Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
