Don't you send me to vm
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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