Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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